“It’s not like any school kid really wants to be a funeral home director when he grows up,” Vinny thought to himself. “It seems better than what I’ve been doing.”
After years of working at the local garage, Vinny had been asked by his Uncle Riccardo if he wanted to join him in the family business, St. Joseph’s Family Mortuary, located just off Hester Street in Little Italy. At first, Vinny was hesitant. It all seemed so creepy and Uncle Riccardo smelled of different fluids and chemicals at every family gathering. But, Uncle Riccardo also drove nice cars, ate at fancy restaurants, and always seemed to be well taken care of. He was certainly treated like royalty in the family and the community.
So Vinny decided to check things out. Riccardo bought him a fancy black suit and Vinny left the garage to learn how the funeral home business operated. After a few weeks, Vinny concluded that most of it was pretty straightforward. People died. Their families called the funeral home. And the staff did their business.
One thing that Vinny liked about the business was that Uncle Riccardo didn’t try to upsell his customers. He knew the neighborhood and its people. In fact, Vinny had seen Riccardo offer to sell a very expensive casket to a family at a steeply discounted rate if he knew they couldn’t afford one. Riccardo even attended the local Catholic church, Most Precious Blood Catholic Church, faithfully every week. Word of mouth seemed to work well because most of Riccardo’s customers were Italian Catholics from that church.
Still, the funeral home wasn’t that busy – certainly not busy enough for Riccardo to buy a new Mercedes every year. This troubled Vinny enough that he approached Riccardo and asked him how the finances worked.
“You’re a smart boy,” Riccardo had answered. “You’ll do well in this business.”
When pressed further, all Riccardo would say is that they would talk later. Now, his uncle had called Vinny and said that he wanted to talk privately. Could Vinny meet him at the funeral home?
It was 9 PM and rainy, but Vinny made the trek in from Queens on the F line. The funeral home was locked and appeared empty when he arrived. Riccardo opened the door, though, as Vinny approached. His uncle seemed distracted on the one hand, yet very focused and careful on the other.
After a little chit-chat, Riccardo asked, “Well, Vinny, what do you think about the business so far?”
“Uh, I think it’s good. I was a little creeped out at first, but a guy could get used to wearing suits like this.”
Riccardo chewed on a cigar thoughtfully for a few moments. Then, as if he’d finally come to a decision, he put the cigar down and changed his tone.
“OK. Tell me this. Do you think you would be interested in working with me for a few years and then taking over the business when I retire?”
Vinny stuttered, thinking of the income Uncle Riccardo must make each year. “Ah, uh, I, uh, think that would be fine. It’s not the business I ever thought I’d be in, but it seems to have suited you well.”
Riccardo chuckled and smiled just enough for his gold tooth to sparkle. Then, just as suddenly, his face got very serious.
“Vinny, my boy, I’m glad you think you can do the funeral home business. That’s good. But that’s not the real business. I’ve got a customer coming tonight and I want you to be here with me. Keep your mouth shut. Don’t talk unless I nod to you. And after tonight, don’t you say a word to anyone or it’ll cost you your life.”
The former mechanic stared in shock at his uncle. What was he talking about? What had Vinny gotten himself into? Uncle Riccardo walked back through the building to the hearse entrance on the alley side. Within minutes, a car pulled up and three gentlemen got out. Two of them walked slightly behind their leader who walked up and gave Riccardo a hug.
“Who’s this giovanotto?” the leader asked, looking suspiciously at Vinny.
“Don’t worry. He’s my nephew. Remember I talked about retiring? Well, Vinny here is going to take my place and keep the business going.”
The leader smiled and gave Vinny a hug. “Benvenuto!” he said.
Vinny gave the man an awkward hug and looked to Riccardo for help.
“He’s just learning things now. It will be a couple of years before he takes over.”
The leader grunted his approval. “Does he go to church?”
“He will,” Riccardo answered with a slight touch of nervousness. “Once he gets going, you’ll see him at Most Precious Blood every week.”
The leader nodded again and turned to his men.
“OK. Let’s go.”
One of the men backed the car up to the garage door which Riccardo had opened. Vinny watched in surprise as they opened the back of the SUV and pulled a body wrapped in trash bags out. The men quickly brought the body into the mortuary room and placed it in a casket Riccardo had opened. It was a special casket Riccardo had discounted for the Scavo family. Vinny glanced in. There were now two bodies in the casket – 87-year-old Mamma Scavo and this stranger in plastic.
“Burial?”
“Tomorrow at Holy Cross Cemetery.”
“Viewing?”
“That was tonight. . . and Father Amato told the family that if the casket was ever opened after he blessed it tonight, there would be a curse on whoever opened it, and their mamma would lose her absolution.”
The leader smiled.
“Good. Good job.”
The leader nodded to his men and one of them handed Riccardo a large envelope.
“Be sure that Father Amato gets his fair share.”
“I will,” said Riccardo, but the leader and his men were already walking away.
The uncle and his nephew closed the garage door and headed to the office. Once there, Uncle Riccardo opened the envelope and counted out $250,000 in cash. Vinny stared at his uncle in shock.
“What just happened?”
Riccardo grabbed his cigar and stared back at the young man. He shrugged and motioned for Vinny to sit down.
“Years ago, when I started this business, I was approached by some gentlemen with a proposition. They had a body they needed to get rid of and they wanted me to take care of it. On the one hand, they said if I did a good job, they would make sure I was well-compensated. On the other hand, if I refused, they indicated there might be an unfortunate accident in my future.”
“So, I did as they asked. I never asked any questions, but I learned that their boss was Italian and Catholic, so you can guess what his business is here in the city. Their boss may have had no compunctions about getting rid of someone, but, because he was Catholic, he did want to be sure they had a Catholic burial.”
Vinny’s head was spinning.
“You mean this happens regularly?”
“Oh, I’d say about 5-6 times a year. I get a call and I have a couple of days to find a suitable person to bury someone with, and that’s the end of that.”
“So, you make this great living by being the undertaker for the mafia?
Riccardo shrugged.
Vinny continued, “And this all works because the boss is Catholic?”
“Well, that helps. But I think he’s being very practical as well.”
“What do you mean?”
Riccardo shrugged and chewed on his cigar. “It seems to me that if someone was looking for a murdered body, the last place they’d think of checking is a cemetery.”
(c) 2024, Kevin H. Grenier
